Bad Day

Today is a normal day. I'm not doing anything different. The sun is shining and I've been able to relax all morning and do all the things I like. All and all it should be a good day. But I miss my baby. I'm not sure why today of all days, but I miss her more than ever. It's so easy for me to lay in bed, look at pictures of her, run over every second I've spent with her, wonder what she's doing right now. It's so easy to turn to my old "supports" who never really held me up that well. I usually try to put some happy spin on the pain, but to be honest, days like this suck beyond belief. And of course the stupid diaper or pregnancy test type commercials keep taunting me. It is exhausting to be mature and okay with this all the time when it is a million times more painful than giving birth or anything else I've ever experienced. That's not to say I don't believe 100% I chose the right path for me and my daughter but on days like this it absolutely blows. All I can do is get through today, hope tomorrow is better, and remember I get to see my sweet, happy baby girl in a mere three days.

Adoptive Moms, Birth Moms, Moms moms...

For some reason the hardest time to see Emilia is with my mom. My latest theory is that when it's just me visiting I can sort of pretend that a) I am old enough to have had a kid so it's not as weird; b) I get her all to myself; or c) it's easier to see her as her adoptive mom's kid instead of my mom's biological granddaughter. When it really hits me that the decision I  made effects my entire family (on top of her birth-father's family) it multiplies the grief tenfold. I'm the type of person who feels the emotions of the people around her so all of that weighing down on me . The only thing that makes it all bearable is that Emilia's adoptive mom is like me and feels everyone's emotions so she noticed almost immediately when I was upset that day, asked if I was okay, and made sure I had some time with Emi. What would I ever do without her?

Stretch Marks

Women who have been pregnant, aside from those lucky ducks, can tell you how frustrating stretch marks can be. For me, they can be a daily reminder of the grief included in placing a child. In my darker hours I get frustrated being left with this 'broken body' and no baby. M&M's birth-daddy is always one to bring me out of my self pity by emphasizing the beauty brought into the world as a result of  the female form, so divinely designed to create life. 

"Oh yeah, I created a life today. What did you do?"

I love my daughter more than anything and she is worth infinitely more than 9 months of whale-in-a-skirt impersonations or my bikini body possibly forever. The fact that I get to see her, happy, with her loving, supportive family once a week (twice this week!) is the greatest blessing I could ever have asked for. Sometimes I am sick of being a mature adult who made a mistake but then did all the mature responsible things from there out(ish). Sometimes I want to just be a regular 18 year old who cares about the way she looks and can afford a little occasional recklessness. But only sometimes... 

Happy Days

Today I got to babysit my little girl for the first time. I feel so incredibly blessed that her mom trusts me enough to watch her by myself! Just being able to play with her for an hour, put her down for a nap, sing her a lullaby... it is going to be by far the best part of my week.

I can completely understand closed adoptions and the fear behind open adoption. For some girls it is truly better for them to never see their child again and just sleep well knowing they are in good hands somewhere else. I also completely understand keeping your child-- being able to play with Emilia, sing her lullabies etc every day would be so amazing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that especially with teen pregnancy, everyone's story, and needs, are different and each of those stories comes with its own unique brand of pain and happiness.