Two Years Later

I realized it's been far too long since I posted any updates here, but a pretty phenomenal new birthmom I know inspired me to do so. Thinking back to the first hours, days, months after I placed Emilia I only remember a blur of tears and staring at pictures. After being forcibly removed from my cocoon of sadness by my loving friends, I put on a face of 'normal'. Holding back the tears, stowing my pictures and the stabbing pain in my heart-wearing the mask of being okay- until I was safely hidden in my bed. Then one day I realized, it wasn't a mask any more. Somewhere along the road, a month, two months down the road, I finally had some happy days. A lot of sad still, but some happy. It's now been two years and three months since I placed Em (...meaning I got pregnant just about three years exactly ago...weird). Rather than struggling with feelings of missing Emilia and wishing I could hold her in my arms, I'm struggling with feelings of guilt over not feeling like that anymore. I chose adoption so Em could have a better life, but also so I  could have the life I envisioned- Go to college, be a 'carefree' teenager/twenty year old, travel, meet my future husband, etc etc. And now I'm living that. I go to a college I love, live on my own, am planning on spending four months next year in Germany, and date whomever I want (still working on the future husband thing). I still miss Emilia. There will always be that hole in my heart in just her shape, but it doesn't hurt so much. Instead of crying when her wonderful adoptive mom sends me pictures I (usually) smile and think about how happy she is and how completely loved and cherished. That's all I could ask for. I see her and her family about once a month now, but I don't find myself counting the days any more. Don't get me wrong, I love our visits and wouldn't trade them for anything, but our relationship has also evolved into something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.

Emilia and her sister were flower girls in my brothers wedding this past August. Her whole family came and her mom later told me about a conversation she had with one of my aunts that I think exemplifies the situation. She commented how awesome my family is to which my aunt replied "they're you're family too". Yes, Auntie. How right you are. And our entire family is indeed awesome.