Falling

I want to tell her everything I'm feeling. The lack of control. The complete anguish. The part of my heart that's missing because she's holding it in her arms, while my chest lays gaping and my arms empty. I want to tell her all this, but I can't. No one else can undertand the pain of this adoption better than her, but every joy for her is a pain for me. Every joy for me is a pain for her. If I say all these things that overflow from my heart, it will break hers. There's no way to communicate that even though this feeling nears the asymptote of unbearable, it doesn't mean I don't love her and think she's an amazing mom. It doesn't mean I think I made the wrong choice. I just means I'm falling apart.

Why am I doing this again? Oh that's right...

Sometimes I have to look at pictures from the hospital to remind myself she was mind for a time and he's my DNA. That's why I'm putting myself through this. That's why I can this undying passion for someone else's child.

...


Searching for some resemblance between the baby who was mine and the toddler that's now theirs. You've grown so much baby girl. Grown away from me?

(an actually) Happy Mothers Day

I was somewhat dreading this day, thinking it would be yet another reminder of my baby that's going to call another woman 'mom'. I had a picture of what today might look like, partially hoping to spend it with Emilia, but that didn't happen and I'm glad now. I am not her mom. I do not wake up at 2am when she's sick and hold her upright in a rocking chair so she can sleep. I do not change her poop explosions. I am not the one she calls out for in her little baby voice- 'mama'. But I am her birth-mom, and that's something no one else can claim. It doesn't have to be a battle for recognition between adoptive and birth moms. We each have our own place, and (though it sucks majorly sometimes) mine is not always with her.

That being said- I have awesome friends. I truly see God's hand at work in my life, putting exactly the people I need into it. This morning I awoke to texts from said friends wishing me a happy mothers day. I have not been forgotten simply because my baby isn't with me. I'm going to spend the day with my awesome mother, making her feel as loved as possible. And I know Emilia will be doing the same for her mother for years to come.

 So, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY BIRTH-MOMS, who had the strength to do what's right for their children and HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADOPTIVE MOMS, who did what we could not and daily guard over our most precious gift.