Tonight I was invited to speak at AWAIT (a support group for parents hoping to adopt) and share my experiences as a birthmom in an open adoption. I've gotta say: Adoptive parents are TOUGH. Like the resilient, strong, amazing kind of tough. They wait years and years, spend thousands of dollars, countless hours and an incredibly deep well of emotional energy all in hopes of the possibility of a gift that happens completely by accident to people like me. Wow. Being a birthmom is hard, but waiting to be an adoptive parent.... I do not envy them. But I do think they're awesome. One woman said something that struck me to the core:
"I love my baby SO much and I don't even know where he/she is or when he/she will come"
She said it with tears of hope and love (and I'm sure a little anxiousness) in her eyes with such sincerity. I've been seeing so many really negative posts in social media and adoption regaling horror stories of awful adoptive parents-- so much so I've had to stop following certain birthmom groups-- that it was incredibly refreshing to see these men and women just longing for a little one to love. Every story was different, but that was their common thread.
I think it's very important to hear stories from the other sides of the adoption triangle-- birth families and adoptees-- to help reduce the fear and unknown associated with (especially open) adoption. But I also noticed tonight the filter through which they heard my story.The mediator put it well, when after the meeting she pulled me aside and said,
"You say 'I held my daughter and love my daughter and feel intensely bonded to/protective of my daughter. But at the end of the day, I believe I carried her to be their child' and all they hear is 'I believe I carried her to be their child'".
At the end of the day I don't blame them for this filter. After all, how much harder is this insanely expensive, emotional quest to find your baby when also thinking about the painful realities, especially for the woman who is to give you that baby.
Anyways, moral of the story is that adoption is hard, but there's so much love in it aaaand adoptive parents are rockstars.
