The Ride on the Way to "Okay": Burgeoning Questions

Each day/month/year of adoption brings new issues, new joys, and new sorrows. After over two and a half years, here's where we're at:

The past week-ish I've been having mini-breakdowns because I hadn't seen Emilia in a while, so when I finally did it was like I could breathe again; I could feel my whole body physically relax. This used to happen after about two seconds of leaving her, but now it's closer to a month or so, depending. I figure, that's pretty good given that mothers (by any definition of the word, but especially the "carried her for nine months and birthed her" definition) being away from their children is one of the most unnatural feelings in the world-- We're just not programmed for it. Add the fact that Emilia is two and with that age comes a territorial nature over any "special thing" be it toy, book, or visitor and you get more than a little bit of sibling rivalry over lap-time with Tante Hillary [need to remember to write a whole post about that... :)].

An hour or two into the visit, Em's mom pulls me aside and asks if I can pay a little more attention to Emilia's big sister (now age 7 1/2; birthmom uninvolved). I totally understand this and love the girl as if she were my little sister and want to hang out with her etc, but it's so hard when every molecule in my body is still tuned to Em and kind of needed that more than anything else at that moment. I try really hard not to show favoritism toward Emilia, but the fact is- She's my birthdaughter. I love her sister more than I can even put words to, but there's something about biological mother and child that you cannot manufacture in any other relationship, and you really can't ignore. It's how God made us to love as parents and why we can put up with our own children far more easily than others in many instances or simply stare at them, something I never understood until having a child (though keep in mind, I speak from very limited experience as a "parent"). Thankfully, for now there's a built in time for me to spend with just the big sister while Emilia naps, and we have a grand old time and I do enjoy it.

Em's mom and I were able to have a chat later in the day about how the big sis is doing with issues of adoption. They're very open with both girls (to a level they can comprehend at each age) regarding their adoptions and birthparents, which I love. I think it's so healthy not to keep it in the dark. We also discussed how Emilia is at the age where she's going to start asking questions about whether she grew in Mommy's tummy and whatnot. Even I can see her little wheels turning about such topics.

Skip forward a bit.... The girls and I are rough-housing, Em's mom is on the couch nearby working on the computer.


Emilia tackles me and says "My mommy"
Completely taken aback I say "Oh yeah? What's your mommy doing? Sitting on the computer?"
Big Sis: "No Hill, she's talking about you"
Me: "Well I'm not her mommy, I'm her birthmom"
Big Sis: "You used to be her mommy"
Me: "Nope, I've always been her birthmom and your mom's always been her mommy"

And so it begins....

Skip forward to that evening, after I'd left. 

I get a text from Em's mom about something Big Sis said that night: "Why doesn't my birthmom want to see me, when Hillary really really wants to see Millie?". Later in the conversation Emilia pipes in "Hillary is my birthmom". Seems like a sneak-preview of what's to come. It breaks my heart, but I can also understand why Big Sis' birthmom isn't emotionally able to see her. It's hard. It wonderful, but very hard. I also know she's in a very different life-situation than I am. All around it's a tricky situation full of love and joy, but also pain and loss. I'm just so grateful these girls have the mom that they do. If anyone can handle it, she can (whether she believes this or not). It doesn't mean there won't be pain. It doesn't mean we'll stop hoping Big Sis' birthmom will come around. But in the end, I truly believe it does mean  we're all going to be okay. The ride on the way to okay, well... That's another story.