Falling

I want to tell her everything I'm feeling. The lack of control. The complete anguish. The part of my heart that's missing because she's holding it in her arms, while my chest lays gaping and my arms empty. I want to tell her all this, but I can't. No one else can undertand the pain of this adoption better than her, but every joy for her is a pain for me. Every joy for me is a pain for her. If I say all these things that overflow from my heart, it will break hers. There's no way to communicate that even though this feeling nears the asymptote of unbearable, it doesn't mean I don't love her and think she's an amazing mom. It doesn't mean I think I made the wrong choice. I just means I'm falling apart.