In the silence...

Sometimes the silence of my house at night unnerves me. I've been sitting here thinking about how I would probably miss this quietude if I had a baby now, and yet every molecule of my being wishes to hear an infants sleeping sigh, grunt, or even cry to be held. The other day I had coffee with some amazing young moms. They fed their kids and played with them, as that is their reality. They told me about dreams of full-nights rest and time to themselves, while (to borrow a quote from my dear friend Amy <3) there is "nothing to keep me from sleeping through the night" and yet I ache for it. Is it just that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Or it is that having my sweet little girl has awakened a hunger in me that will not be satisfied until I'm a mom? I keep waiting for this stabbing pain to go away, or at least dull a bit, but it stays strong.

I miss Emilia, yes, but I know she's where she's meant to be- with her incredible family. Recently I find myself grieving a baby that does not yet exist. Can I really continue in this way until the boxes of my life long to-do list are checked-- finish school-- begin career-- find amazing man-- date for appropriate amount of time-- marry said man-- wait appropriate amount of time before trying for kids-- before finally reaching the box I dream most of checking? I've heard it said that holes created in your heart by grief never shrink, your heart just grows larger making them less significant, but what happens if the hole is so great my heart can't function? There are so many issues to deal with before I'll even get close to starting a family. I'm nineteen years old. Most girls my age date around for fun, worry about school, don't obsess over their future. When I next date (goodness knows when that even might be), I'll always have the thought in my mind "is he my future husband? Would he make a good dad?" That's a lot of pressure to put on a guy. Plus, whoever I care about I want to care about Emilia, but one man in her life is already unreliable, I could never introduce her to someone who might be gone tomorrow. I have so much respect for single moms dating. The issues are even more so prevalent there.

I have all these great things I want to post about adoption, but somehow only the pain comes out in my blogs. Maybe because I share the good parts every day whenever I meet people who are involved in young pregnancy and/or adoption. Some day I will share these thoughts here too. Particularly the turning point in my greif that happened on December 26th 2010. Stay tuned :)