Case of the Mondays

Some visits are easy, some visits are hard. Monday would definitely fall into the "hard" category. My 16-week-old daughter, Emilia, was adopted by a family who is pretty incredibly. The mom is one of the most loving, nurturing and supportive people I know, the father is loving in a goofier way similar to that of my own sweet Daddyo, and their other daughter is happy, light-hearted and mature beyond her five (and a half) years.

I met them back in December of '09 when I was about 2 months pregnant and spent the majority of Mondays since then getting to know them. After Emilia was born on June 25th I continued visiting most weeks. The first month was pretty easy. I was glad not to be pregnant, glad Emilia was happy and cared for without keeping me up at all hours (though she has slept through the night for the past couple months which wouldn't have been so bad...). The second month was fairly torturous as Emilia became more alert and started to recognize her adoptive mother more than me. After a long process of self-reflection (to be talked about in a later post) this third month has been quite enjoyable for the most part.


Monday... Not so enjoyable. Emilia is teething or going through a growth spurt or something that is just making her very unhappy and sleepy. Anyways, I was holding her and she started to cry and get very upset so of course her mom scooped her up (politely asking first) and took her to the other room to calm her down while I played with her sister and birth father. Anyone who is a mom will understand that when your baby is crying every cell in your body is screaming to pick her up and make everything better. This is definitely the message my body was sending me, but I am not her mom so it's not my job to do that (at least when her parents are around).

So basically this whole internal battle was going on inside me where I couldn't concentrate on anything but M's cries and  there was nothing I could do about it. I chose her adoptive mom because I knew she would be a great mother even before I saw her with either kid. This includes taking care of her kids (obviously) and putting them before all else. Therefore, I wouldn't have wanted her to do anything differently but that doesn't make it suck any less.

Even though days like that are completely heartbreaking, they also remind me that Emilia is in an amazing home where she's being looked after and I am so incredibly glad I can be there to see it. Needless to say, I am a huge proponent of open adoptions. Maybe not for everyone, but for me, seeing my daughter grow up, hearing her laugh or even cry, makes up for every ounce of pain a thousand fold. I love that little lady with all my heart.