I'm sort of dreading todays visit.
Last time I went over I saw their four perfect stockings hanging on the mantle. It was all their tradition. This is what I wanted for my baby. This is what I still want with every fiber of my being-- for her to grow up with an awesome mom and day who love each other and have a healthy example of a relationship. For them to raise her and her sister with their own strong, loving, amazing, functional family. For them to grow up and have their traditions, fights, celebrations, tears, love, all in each others arms. That being said, it absolutely KILLS ME. It kills me that she won't be part of the family and traditions I was raised to love. How is it possible for everything in me to want two completely conflicting things? Things that can not possibly co-exist peacefully in this world?
Today I was looking at pictures Emilia's birth father and I took with her and she has this same expression in all of them. Sort of like "who the hell are these people trying to pass us off as some happy little family"? Then I look at pictures of her while she's with her real family going on their Christmas tradition tree-cutting adventure and she's so happy and smiling and awake. Somehow it seems whenever I'm even over there she's asleep most of the time. Granted her mom said it took her several days to recover from the tree day because she only got 15 minute naps instead of a couple hours but why does she push (okay, I know that's an unnecessarily harsh word choice but you get my drift) Emilia to stay awake for things like that but not me? Even while I'm writing this I know I would NEVER want her to make my little lady grumpy and sleep deprived its just... I'm not sure. Jealousy? Bitterness? Emptiness? A dash of each? Who knows.
Why do I let something so insignificant like a giant sock on a fireplace make me hurt so deep inside my heart I didn't even know it was possible? I'm hoping tomorrow will go more smoothly than last week inside this crazy, emotional head of mine. I am so excited to see my daughter and her family. It makes me so happy and I just feel at peace with all my decisions up to this point. It's like a weekly reminder I chose the right path for my daughter. The only crap part is this gut-wrenching feeling that hitchhikes alongside my happiness. Will that ever go away or at least hurt less?
About Me
- Hillary
- My name is Hillary, I'm 24 and have a beautiful daughter who was born June 25, 2010. She was adopted by an amazing family with whom I am now very close. Adoption is an incredible experience but can extremely suck sometimes. I feel called to share my story with other people not only to spread knowledge about adoption (especially open adoptions) but also to help support girls going through unplanned pregnancy/adoption.
Hey there, sweetie. I just read this. You do such a good job of walking yourself honestly through your emotions! The truth is that the good and the bad stuff is all mixed together and, this being the first year, all the pain is especially raw and new. The mom-mix of pain and joy never really goes away. It's your legacy because you are a mom. In your case the specifics of it are tied to adoption (as in mine, only from another side of the process) but all moms feel it. It fluctuates, but never goes away. It will lie dormant for periods, then wake up in times of great joy, anxiety, pain, and anticipation. All we can do as moms is enjoy the good times, ride out the bad, and live to love another day. Welcome to the club. You are doing great! Love to you, Deb
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